In an effort to continue cost-cutting, I diligently packed my lunch today. Mind you, even though I've stopped throwing up all day every day, the idea of food is still generally unappealing to me. Packing my lunch is sort of an in my brain task, involving calculations about nutrients and ma and the baby, and has little to do with what I actually want. I was feeling pretty unexcited about eating the lentil vegetable soup or cottage cheese or fruit I was packing. So you can imagine my surprise when I though, hmm, I still need a whole grain and then actually wanted some of the leftover cous cous from last night. I've been looking forward to the cous cous all morning.
When I dropped it all over the kitchen floor a few minutes ago, it was hard to save the tears until I'd gotten back to my office and closed the door. But I did. And then I cried quietly, so no one would hear me.
It seems like almost everyone I know who is or recently has been pregnant keeps telling me to enjoy it. Because, they also want me to know, they did.
I have a confession to make. So far, not enjoying it. I'm pleased as punch to be pregnant, and wouldn't change it, but I'm not enjoying it. In fact, I feel pretty overwhelmed by it most of the time. Maybe it was months of throwing up. Maybe it's that while I can feel flutters, I still can't be sure it's the baby, and once I feel the baby everything will magically change. Maybe a lifetime of looking forward to experiencing pregnancy (yes, folks, I daydreamed about being pregnant far more than about wearing a wedding dress - I've always been curious about the experience of occupying the same body with another person) set me up with some false or incomplete expectations. Whatever the cause, I'm feeling overwhelmed.
Even with the vomiting gone for a week now, I'm struggling to focus and get things done at work. And all that throwing up really changed my habits. I'm out of practice when it comes to meditating, exercising, and having conversations with people about something other than how many times I've thrown up today, or how yes, I am so happy and so excited to be pregnant (because "everyone" wants to know if I am feeling these things).
Friends, exercise and meditation are pretty much my formula for happiness and health. And I know that I just need to pick myself up and start over again with all of them. And in fact, I had just decided and committed to that right before I went to heat up my cous cous only to drop it on the floor, and return to my office feeling defeated. Time to recommit again.
I know that once I do, it'll be less than a week before I start feeling better. But maybe right now, at this particular moment, I don't even want to feel better. I just want some magical something to swoop in and make it better for me.
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2 comments:
when i worked at the hospital, i used to get so annoyed at the prenatal magazines that show all these pregnant women smiling, happy, carefree and having the times of their lives. i think lots of women have some days like that and many (more?) days like this one too! of course it's totally overwhelming. you have an alien/puppy/buddha growing in your belly. [sometimes people come up with weird names to call their babies while they're inside them] :)
Dude. Of course you are overwhelmed - you have a baby in your BODY. Yes, it's wonderful and amazing and all that, but in reality, it's kind of like having a parasite that won't go away. And parasites can drain you and make you feel way outta sorts. The good thing is that the end of this "invasion" you will have a child, not one of those long tape worm things. Wow, I'm not sure if I'm actually offering any words of support. For some reason I feel like Matt Bruce would have the right words in this tye of situation (?!). I'm thinking of you and hoping that you feel a bit better soon.
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