Eternal Goober of the Monkey Mind

Parenting Meditation for the Week

2011-02-06T17:07:00.001-05:00

From Everyday Blessings by Myla & Jon Kabat-Zinn

In any moment, we can choose to set aside the armor that has protected us, and ally ourselves with our children, giving them the gift of a more open, compassionate, and understanding parent. In the process, we get a taste if the way it might have been in our own childhood, and more importantly, we get to share the intrinsic freedom and connectedness of this moment not only with our child but with ourself. in choosing to break out of a negative cycle, the magic of a love that is unconditional touches us all. Each time we are able to do this, we take another step toward wholeness and our own liberation.

xoxo,
Lauren

Snuggly Babies & Good Friends

2010-12-01T19:48:00.002-05:00

Snuggling with Kai on the couch, who told me he wanted to cuddle with me "forever and ever" while I exchanged smiles with Willa over his shoulder. I love my babies so very much!

Watching Kai and his friend Niamh (pronounced "Neeve") hold hands while jumping on our bed. And then jumping off our bed, onto a pile of blankets and pillows they put on the floor. So precious. And so neat how these kids keep on growing up together!

Giggling on the couch with Kai, which made Willa giggle, which caused Kai and I to giggle even more.

Willa just absolutely digging her feet and her hands. She stares, mesmerized, at them saying, "ba! ba! ba!" over and over again.

A community of the most amazing women in the world. Wonderful mothers who take care of one another and one another's families in such beautiful and unexpected and truly life-saving ways. Just amazing. I'm really, really blessed. Like crazy blessed. I never knew that an email list would become my extended family. It is truly amazing.

Sunday Blessings

2010-11-21T22:42:00.001-05:00

My new tradition for starting my week off in gratitude. In no particular order:

1. Rockin' knitting lessons from Laura H.
2. A really affirming coaching phone call with Carrie, author of my favorite blog, The Parenting Passageway.
3. Friends who support my personal growth as a parent and as a human being.
4. My first real encounter with the joy of thrift stores.
5. All the knitting and embroidery supplies I have and am getting from my grandma via my mom. Nice to feel like I have her back again.
6. Really nice neighbors.
7. A snuggly 4 month old Willa.
8. The beautiful bedtimes and wakeups Kai and I have been experiencing lately.
9. The pleasure of washing dishes.
10. Quiet moments.
I was planning to write ten, but on a night of cold hardwood floors, I couldn't leave out
11. My LL Bean slippers.

xoxo,
Lauren

this moment

2010-11-19T18:36:00.001-05:00

A Friday ritual, inspired by SouleMama "A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember."

xoxo,
Lauren

The Path to Smoother Days

2010-10-12T22:55:00.003-04:00

Pick the part of the day that feels most broken and consider how you can make it magical.

When Willa was born and we were short a staff member at the studio, Bob was working even more than the crazy schedule he normally keeps. And I was doing wakeup to bedtime solo for most of the week. With a 2.5 year old and a newborn. Yikes. It still sounds terrifying to me!

And it was for a time. There were nights when all three of us cried. Which broke my heart just a bit, because I have worked hard since Kai was born to make sleep a peaceful, loving, nurturing event. He was a child who actually got excited about bedtime most nights before Willa joined us. We never did CIO and were totally comfortable nursing or cuddling him to sleep all along. So three people crying their way through bedtime was, well, excruciating for me. And sad for Kai.

But it just did not work for me to tandem nurse Kai and Willa to sleep. I tried it and I felt like all of my life force and energy were being pulled from me. It was too much for me to give.

So I spent a lot of time and thought on the subject of a peaceful, loving bedtime. I needed to be able to be up and carrying Willa in a carrier while nursing her. That was our best bet for a bedtime that met her need for being held and for nursing, while also meeting Kai's need for a bedtime free of a screaming infant.

I pulled out a lovely book of bedtime meditations for children that I have used for kids' yoga classes in the past.

I simplified and shortened our routine and made it very, very consistent night after night.

Kai and I both still miss snuggling up at bedtime until he falls asleep, but I am thrilled to say that he once again looks forward to bedtime, as do I. Most nights that I am solo, both he and Willa fall asleep in 3-20 minutes. On the now rare occasions, like tonight, when Willa is just too fussy to allow me to share meditations wtih him, he tends to fall asleep in the two minutes it takes me to walk her around the house and calm her down.

More often, though, after we finish stories or cuddling, nursing for two minutes in the living room, pajamas and teeth, we head to the bedroom and he has some water, then snuggles down under a blanket, says "bippity boppity boo!" while I turn out the lights. I then light a candle and share the "Bedtime Bless" as he calls it:

Bless my pillow, bless my bed
Bless me, too, from toes to head
Bless the earth, the sun, the air
And bless the children everywhere.

I read about Kai's special star, his own special garden, the animals that come to drink at a watering hold in his garden, the old tree that lives there. And he drifts to sleep, repeating back to me things like the fact that tonight his star is purple or the giraffe whose back he rides upon is blue.

I keep coming back to the idea that I want this time in my children's lives to be full of magic and wonder....

My babies. Blurry, but totally adorable.

2010-10-07T21:47:00.003-04:00

Getting back to blogging....

2010-05-29T13:41:00.003-04:00

Now that Willa is with us, I am struck daily by the different demands of parenting babies versus parenting toddlers. The first is all physical - exhausting to be sure, but almost mindless once you have experienced it. The latter....well, mentally demanding 24/7.

A friend wrote this week for brainstorming advice about Gentle Discipline. It got me to thinking - it's really time to start posting again. I'm on a journey that often challenges me. A journey toward parenting in a way that teaches with love and kindness and respect and authority. A journey into myself, really, because if I let it, parenting has this way of magnifying whatever limitations I have and demanding that I address them.

For today, a brief synopsis. The business we started a little over a year ago continues to go well. Our startup debt terrifies us sometimes, but we are not going deeper, we have successfully supported ourselves with just the business income from day one, and things look hopeful for a business loan to consolidate our debt and provide us some working capital and space to breathe a little.

Our plans to homeschool continue to deepen and solidify. For early childhood education, some aspects of Waldorf strongly appeal. An emphasis on rhythm in our home, seasons, the natural world.

Yep. I continue to nurse Kai, two to three times per day. Tandem nursing is an interesting experience. Glad to still be offering Kai this touchstone, also glad for the limits I have set to make it work for all of us.

I'm wildly imperfect in my parenting and striving to accept and embrace that.

Kai and Lauren, when Kai is Two

2010-02-23T10:26:00.004-05:00

Kai is now two years old.

He loves to paint and draw and do glue and sand painting. He makes "lara bar cookies" with dates and cashews in the food processor and his own pizzas in small pizza pans. He loves to do projects - like dying silk playscarves or making our own playdough. And to wear said playscarves around his neck like a cape while he runs around yelling "watch out, chicken coming!" or plays the game that he "invented" - red light/green light.

He is obsessed with the way things are put together and how they work. He was more interested in disassembling a friend's easel than drawing on it with chalk. He did all of the hex screwing for his toddler table and chairs from Ikea and for his sling bookshelf.

After weeks or months of thinking of crazy ideas and telling me "that would be silly" or "that would be funny" he moved on to saying "that would be oh my goodness!" and more recently "that would be very Happy Birthday!"

True to the job description of a two year old he is very skilled at testing limits. Mostly I find this entertaining. Sometimes I am tired and my own limits feel tested.

His little sister continues to grow happily and well in my belly, which sometimes feels as though it is getting bigger by the hour. When I was pregnant with Kai, I just wanted him to hurry up and join us in this world already. With Willa...well, some part of me would be okay if she wanted to just hang around in my belly until she was twenty and ready to be on her own.

We opened a personal training studio in September, and have been reliant solely on Bob's income since then. The business is thriving. And we have lots of debt financing that makes even owning a thriving new business a total roller coaster ride. Relying entirely on income from sales is not for the faint of heart. We are generally happy but will be less anxious when the studio reaches full capacity (we are at 85/120 right now), and then when we pay down our start up debt and build up our savings again.

Lately I have been feeling restless. A friend calls it SAHM syndrome. I am not struggling with any issues of identity loss - I'm feeling more myself as a stay at home mom than I ever did in former professions. I do, however, feel this sense that I should be producing something. My tasks and daily life are so process oriented and what I do make (food, projects to do with Kai, plans for future homeschooling) are mostly consumable. Many are witnessed by a two year old only and no other adults. Triumphs are in interactions and self-mastery. I recognize that I am also in the process of growing another child right now. But I'm feeling itchy for something that brings immediate satisfaction. Something tangible I can see and say hey, that's me, I did that. Like a book or a blog or an I don't what. But I don't want the associated pressure of it. I don't need any manufactured anxiety about what I'm supposed to be doing or producing on a daily basis, as I already have plenty to do in the course of a day!

Anyway. That's a quick snapshot of Kai and of me at this moment in time. We are generally happy, we miss Bob a lot and look forward to the day in our future when we realize it's time to hire a manager at the studio so he can back off working so many hours. That day is not today, but it will come.

Oh, and Have I Mentioned?

2009-06-27T00:04:00.002-04:00

That frequently when Kai starts to go into a tantrum, he stops himself, lies down on the floor, and stretches out quietly for a few minutes? Why can't I learn to do that?!?

Language, Markers, and Trucks...

2009-06-26T09:31:00.004-04:00

We are having so much fun with words in our house right now. All of a sudden this week, Kai seems to repeat almost everything we say to him. He is starting to use two word sentences and is just delighted by the act of speaking. In his sleep, I often hear him saying, "Buh-bye mommy, buh-bye daddy, hi mommy, hi daddy" over and over. And after a diaper change yesterday, he waved at his penis and said "buh-bye nis!" and cracked Bob right up. Hmmm. I hope he doesn't hate me later in his life for posting that today.

He's also OBSESSED with markers. Crayons won't cut it anymore. Half the time he won't eat a meal because he's so focused on asking for markers and "papee" at the table to draw with. He even asked to come home from the playground yesterday afternoon to draw. But we have to take many, many breaks from the markers because they are just so tempting to eat, and while I'm okay with him biting off and spitting out the ends of crayons on occasion, I am NOT okay with him sucking down marker ink. It seems to make him less and less upset as I enforce that limit with him, and I'm hoping that after a couple of weeks, he'll chill with the marker eating a bit.

Speaking of which, I think part of what helps him with the limit is that I'm not just taking away the markers, I'm offering him his new favorite choices for handing things over or doing pretty much anything. I finally clued into the reality that my kid could care less about animals and animal noises, but that I could use his love of trucks to offer fun choices. When I need him to put something down or give it to me, he chooses between dumptrucking or diggering it down. Sometimes he makes a truck noise, sometimes he just says "diggee!" or "ump!". Same for cleaning up his big bag of duplos - we exclaim "Digger!" when we pick the block up and "Drop!" when we put it in the bag. And he gets so excited about cleaning up the blocks that sometimes when we're done, he then dumps the bag out just so he can digger all of blocks back into the bag again.

I love my kid.

Kai and His Crocodile

2009-03-01T20:33:00.006-05:00

At long last, a video of Kai walking. He's now quite fast, though pulling the crocodile behind him does seem to slow things down a bit.

(This was close to bedtime, which is why the lights in the apartment are so dim)

Language Update...

2009-02-16T22:11:00.006-05:00

New words and signs in purple at the end of the lists. Oh, and I added a new section - Yoga Kai Does!:

Words Kai Speaks (roughly in order)

Dada
Mama
Nurse
Truck
Up
Hat
Banana
That
Bees
Book
Back
Bye (actually, "Buh-Bye")
Ball
Out
Bath
Baby
Toast
This
Bob
David
Lampa (Sanskrit for "jump")
Apple (Cracks me up, because he always says, "bapple")
Bread
Monkey (monkey noises, that is)
Puppy
Belly Button
Bear
Backward (he hears it a lot "backward, go down backward, Kai!")
Help
Meow (when he sees a cat)
Bird
Brush
Butterfly
Diaper
Blueberry
Down Dog (Dow-Dah!)
Broom
Hoop
Block
Poop

Words Kai Signs

Nurse/Milk
All Done
Up
Down
Again
More
Yay! (okay, this is just clapping, but I think it counts)
Bye
Me
Rainbow (appears in his bedtime book)
Water
Door (Kai invented this one himself - he points to the door and makes a motion like he's twisting the doorknob)
Eat/Food
Diaper
Tickle
Sleep
Apple
Help (just learned today!)
Puppy
Bird
Brush/Comb
Butterfly
Pain
Banana

Yoga Kai Does

Down Dog
So Big (reaches arms up, then touches ground)
Star (Holds arms out to and stands wide, rocking back and forth to "Twinkle, Twinkle")
Ba La La (Alternating hand drumming)
Half Moon (Tot version - raises one arm up over head when he hears, "Up, up, and away, half moon)
Twistee (twists side to side when we sing "Twistee")
The beginning and end of Baby Planet
Kicky Cobra
Butterfly
Something I don't teach in classes, but he sees me do at home myself - he actually does the first few asanas of a sun salutation, with hands in prayer/Namaste position...so cute!

Car Seat PSA

2009-02-12T15:35:00.001-05:00

Think being a year old and 20 lbs. makes it safe for your child to forward face in a car seat? This can be a deadly misconception. If you're a parent and this comes as news to you, please, please watch this video, and read more over at my other blog.

Walking!!

2009-01-29T13:56:00.000-05:00

Last night, Kai started really walking - not just taking a few steps, but using bipedally traveling from Point A to Point B. Today his locomotion is half crawling, half standing...He's less drunken sailorly about it than I expected, and just delighted with himself. Will try to post video in the next day or two!

Another Very Quick Update - More and More Steps Every Day!

2009-01-21T09:38:00.003-05:00

I have to leave in six minutes to teach two classes, but Kai and Bob are taking a nap and I figured if I didn't blog now, who knows when I would get my next opportunity?!?

For about a week, Kai has been taking unsupported steps! It started with one or two, and is up to four or five. They are such sweet, small, tentative, cautious steps! I love watching! He often looks like he is considering what the best way to locomote will be, pausing before opting to crawl, cruise, or bravely walk on his own.

During the past week, Kai also started signing and saying "help" when he needs assistance, and, now that he regularly attends my Tots classes on Saturdays, he's also started doing Down Dog while saying "Daw Dow" (in addition to the So Big and Ba La La poses he's been doing for a while). I've watched other one year olds learn these things but it's amazing seeing it develop for myself. I'm soooooooo excited that my kids will have this amazing opportunity to be consciously doing yoga asanas at such an early age. Believe it or not, there are some three and four year olds out there, especially kids of yoga teachers that I've met, who have just this incredible presence in their own bodies and a really beautiful yoga practice. So cool. Oh! And because he's also around a lot when I do my own practice, he's started doing the beginning of sun salutations - hands in prayer position, floating up into mountain pose. Adorable!

In my own news - I start my yoga teacher (for teaching grown ups) in February and I'm ecstatic!!! I'm doing it with the teacher/at the studio of my very first yoga class eight or so years ago. Who would've thunk it?

Language Development Update II

2009-01-09T09:32:00.005-05:00

Kai's vocabulary, both spoken and signed, has expanded quite a bit since the last update. I'm amazed that when we first showed him the sign for 'apple' he immediately repeated it. Quite impressive, little bear. As you can see below, B & T appear to be his favorite consonants, though he has not yet mastered bat, bet, bit, bot or butt. If someone would like to place a wager on a competition between Kai with a stick and a robot that bites people in the rear, then perhaps he could learn them all in one go.

Update: Kai learned his first word in another language yesterday! Lampa, which means 'jump' in Sanskrit, is a word he's heard a lot because it's used in Lauren's Itsy Bitsy Yoga classes.

Words Kai Speaks (roughly in order)

Dada
Mama
Nurse
Truck
Up
Hat
Banana
That
Bees
Book
Back
Bye
Ball
Out
Bath
Baby
Toast
This
Bob
David
Lampa (Sanskrit for "jump")

Words Kai Signs

Nurse/Milk
All Done
Up
Down
Again
More
Yay! (okay, this is just clapping, but I think it counts)
Bye
Me
Rainbow (appears in his bedtime book)
Water
Door (Kai invented this one himself - he points to the door and makes a motion like he's twisting the doorknob)
Eat/Food
Diaper
Tickle
Sleep
Apple
Help (just learned today!)

In addition to speaking and signing, Kai gesticulates wildly, dances, bangs things together, and makes multiple vehicle sounds. He appears to have separate sounds for ground-based vs. flying machines. I've been trying to teach him to make a train noise (woo-woo!), but to no avail. I should probably take him to see an actual train with a whistle. Maybe that will do the trick.

Kai's First Year in Photos

2009-01-05T21:54:00.001-05:00

Kai's First Year

My baby is a year old today...

2009-01-05T19:29:00.002-05:00

Our friends Jenny & Sophie were over earlier today, and Jenny asked if I'd been flashing back all day. Yup...I have been since two nights ago, as my water broke (and it was a gusher) the evening of the 3rd last year. All day yesterday, I kept remembering the beautiful sunset we awoke to outside Mt. Auburn on the morning of the 4th, and all the time I spent on the yoga ball trying to roll my contractions into a more regular, frequent pattern. And then this morning, when Kai let me sleep until almost 7 AM, I remembered his little two-hour old self (I'm choking up now as I type) and just stared in wonder at the almost walker I've got on my hands now. Bob and I have been looking through the year's photos and videos this week in the evenings after Kai goes to bed, and it's startling how recent his crawling and toddling really are. Feels like I've known this little toddler who ate my baby for a long time...but he truly was so little and young for so much of the year!

Just took a break from typing so that Bob and I could go show Kai the slideshow of pics of his first year of life (working on getting up online tonight, will post link later!), and I'm all choked up again. He's inspired so many wonderful changes in my life and in Bob's. Thanks to parenthood, both of us are now pursuing vocations that actually speak to who we are, and living a life much more in tune with I guess a sense of calling than we ever were before. Kai continues to be my favorite and best meditation teacher - years of sitting 10-day courses and practicing yoga can't hold a candle to what Kai has taught me about patience and remaining in the present moment fully with equanimity!! LOL. He's shown me more of my strengths and weaknesses and asked me to face them in a way that truly motivates and alters me...Early days of difficult, painful nursing, and his own discomfort with entering the world (some would call it colic, don't know what I call it other than hard on him and hard on us!) bonded us in ways I never would have imagined and make these days of his blossoming social and relatively easy-going self that much sweeter! Cosleeping and nursing have been such sweet experiences as well, and I delight more every day in waking up to his grinning little face each morning...I'm comfortable and confident with our choice to continue these practices until Kai himself is ready to give them up and makes that known.

I thought I'd share my perspective on his birth, now that a year's perspective has intervened. I've used some of what I wrote last year, and have added to it and edited it with this different view:

My water broke in a gush the evening of Thursday, January 3, right after I did a few down dogs and child's poses in bed! Arriving at Mt. Auburn during the nighttime hours (on Thursday, January 3, 32 hours before Kai was actually born!) afforded us the wonderful experience of waking in the morning to a gorgeous sunrise outside our labor and delivery room.

My doula told me some months before Kai's birth that a woman meets herself in labor. For me, that meant meeting someone who is realllllly good at asking for and receiving support and love! Bob was steadfast throughout and such an important touchstone for me, which helped me stay much calmer and more centered in my hypnobirthing breathing than I might otherwise have been. At my doula, Gina's, recommendation, I locked eyes with him during the transition phase and pretty much entered a trance like state that had him thinking this was a peaceful phase of labor for me. Nice trick, I think, as it was definitely the most challenging hour or so of my life! I really thought the pushing would be the scary, hard part, but for me, the scary, hard part was really transition (transition is the last few centimeters of dilation, as your body gets ready to start pushing. When asked about my labor, I said then, and continue to say now, that it was a wonderful experience. It was! I was fascinated by it as the experience occurred - growing up, I always knew for some reason that I wanted to experience pregnancy and childbirth. At times I'd been unsure about experiencing parenthood, LOL, but pregnancy and birth always fascinated me!

Afterward, people kept asking about the whole 32 hours thing...it really wasn't so bad. First, because not all of that was active labor...my water broke on Thursday night but my contractions weren't really regular or intense until Friday afternoon...and then Kai was born at 5:19am on Saturday morning. My experience of labor was that it was extremely intense, the hardest and most with during transition...Bob's presence, Gina's presence, and the support of our unusual OB Beth Hardiman (she delivers virtually all over her patients, truly got to know us, and really loves and has patience with natural childbirth and laboring moms) made me feel so loved and safe, so that in the moments when I felt terrified or overwhelmed, I could say so, experience it, and let it pass. I had created a book beforehand, with quotes and passages that inspired me/made me feel connected to the strength of women and feminity, as well as words of support from strong women in my life. I asked Bob to read to me from it frequently during my labor and felt so buoyed by it. I felt completely loved through labor...

I've read that pitocin (synthetic oxytocin, used to encourage a woman's body to get into a regular and stronger contraction pattern) makes the contractions and labor much more intense - since I was still only 2cm after being at the hospital for almost 24 hours, we decided it was a good tool for me. I have no idea whether the labor was more challenging as a result, since I have no basis for comparison! Either way, I'm felt pretty proud of myself, my preparation and my stamina...Especially in the months since, as I've been able to integrate the couple of more difficult/upsetting aspects of my labor into my narrative about it - the overdose of pitocin that Bob thankfully noticed only several minutes after it began (nurse left room after accidentally making IV drip go from 14 to 76 and suddenly I had contractions that didn't stop...this apparently lasted for only a few minutes, because Bob caught it so quickly - thank goodness for a husband who had trouble watching me and not the monitor once it was on! LOL). And the other nurse who told me I had "bad veins" (I have HUGE veins that people have practiced on!) and couldn't get my IV inserted properly, such that for the only time in my life, I began uncontrollably sobbing when she stuck me (and missed my vein)...the IV tech ended up doing it, and did so quite comfortably. And the in and out of nurses, the interruptions of the hospital, and even just the experience of departing from home, a place I didn't want to leave at all...I think for a while I wouldn't let myself think about all of this because I was afraid that it would negate the beautiful labor and birth we had. But time helped put that in perspective, and I now feel these were just as much part of an otherwise wonderful experience as the otherwise wonderful parts were! It is scary to think that if Bob hadn't been paying such close attention, both Kai and I could have had serious problems, could have even died, but...that didn't happen.

It's true what they say, that you go somewhere else during labor...time distorts itself and the experience is the most physical I imagine I will ever have. Overall, I'm happy to have had what I needed to give Kai a relatively peaceful birth...he was born incredibly alert with his eyes wide open and checking out the world.

I feel like I have to acknowledge my early breastfeeding experience right now, too, because for the first ten weeks, I couldn't imagine how we would make it to a year, and I'm so proud of myself and of Kai for getting here. In those early weeks, we survived tongue tie and frenulum clipping, serious oversupply, thrush, cracked & bleeding nipples, repeated nursing strikes, several days when it seemed Kai had completely forgotten how to latch at all (not even in the painful way he had been that had at least achieved milk transfer), consultations with multiple LLL leaders and 4 LCs, and many, many hours of tears for us both. When things finally got better, and our thrush disappeared, I had a week before returning to what was then my full-time job. At that point, when I started trying to pump, I discovered that my breasts didn't react well to any size or shape of breastshield! Smaller sizes chafed and gave me plugged ducts, bigger sizes sucked in my whole areola! I learned to hand express in a major hurry, and thanked heavens for oversupply and the twelve or so jets of milk that each breast produced at a time, and suffered through several months of three 45-60 minute hand expressing sessions a day at work in order to get a reasonable enough amount of milk that would continue to maintain my supply. Though, unfortunately, Bob and Kai were suffering at home (Bob was a full-time, SAHD for a few months) because Kai absolutely, completely refused to take a bottle - he went for two or three months drinking maximum 2-3 ounces of milk/day...poor Bob spent all of his time trying to feed, soothe, or help to sleep this little child who just wanted his mama to nurse. It was soooo hard for all of us. Actually, as we both looked through photos, we were surprised by how emotionally we still responded to some of the photos Bob took of Kai during that time. I still feel real sadness that I was away from Kai for so much time from just before he was three months old until he was nearly six months old. And Bob still feels such sadness at watching the poor kid hungrily refuse to eat. But...we made our lives look very different as a result, and I'm grateful for that. And had the early challenges to nursing not existed, we might never have found our dear friends Jenny and Sophie at a breastfeeding support group, who were the only ones we knew with the exact set of issues we faced!

Anyway, my goodness, it's been quite a year. I feel like I've just written a book - thanks for reading through it to those of you who have. I'm so intrigued to watch Kai's personality unfold in these next years to come...and thank you to all of you for the support you've offered our family as we've learned to be a threesome...

In wonder and awe at the journey to and of motherhood,
Lauren

Important Update

2008-12-15T13:35:00.002-05:00

Kai is currently beating a piece of toast to death with a remote control.

That is all.

Language Development Update

2008-12-09T22:25:00.003-05:00

Words Kai can speak:

Dada (or Ah-da)
Mama
Nurse (it's more like Naynaynaynaynay, but the intent/meaning is clear)
Truck (usually comes out as T...T...Tr....Truh.....T.... but again meaning is clear)
Up (uttered once or twice several weeks ago and not since)
Head/Hat (aka Het, see previous post)
Banana (his latest, which also takes the form of Ba-nuh or Na-nuh)

Words Kai can sign:

Nurse/Milk
All done (most often used when he's finished with a meal)
Up
Down
Again (often used when he wants us to read a book again)
More (I've only seen him do this once and am not 100% certain of his intent)

Kai is also doing a lot of pointing these days - at things that he wants, things that we name, just for fun, and for who knows what other reasons.

He clearly understands many more words than he says/signs. This whole language development thing is fascinating.

Sorry that I don't have any other profound insights right now, but I'm rather sleepy and just wanted to do a quick post to document Kai's development for posterity.

Wednesday Blogging Madness - Long Overdue Beach Pics

2008-11-12T09:58:00.005-05:00

These are from a trip to Crane Beach in Ipswich, MA back in August....

Wednesday Blogging Madness - Kai Outside

2008-11-12T09:11:00.006-05:00

Kai continues to love being outside. Here are some recent pics of our outdoor adventures:

Swinging at the park just down the street

Crawling around and playing with leaves

More fun with leaves

Reaching for pine needle in grassy clearing

Wednesday Blogging Madness - "Het"

2008-11-12T09:02:00.003-05:00

In an effort to try to blog here more often, I'm introducing Wednesday Blogging Madness. Since Wednesdays are generally less hectic for me, I'm hoping that I can at least post a few times, even if I don't get around to posting much on other days. So without further ado, here goes....

Kai said another word today, although I'm not quite sure which one. Let me explain....I was putting a hat on his head and repeating "hat" and "head" to him as I did so. After doing this a few times, he looked at me and said "het!". I'm not sure which one he meant, but I suspect head, since Lauren and I have been repeating body part names to him since he was a couple of months old.

Here's a Kai head/hat/het pic from a few weeks ago:

Kai's Fourth Word is Obama!!!!!

2008-11-04T22:57:00.003-05:00

And we even have witnesses! We weren't able to teach Kai to raise the roof for our election party tonight, but he did learn the word Obama! Add that to Mama, Dada, and Up! We're so proud of our little progressive munchkin.

9 Months....Already???

2008-10-06T19:28:00.005-04:00

Wow. Nine months have passed since we greeted Kai, and that just sounds so old. When Kai was still brand new, I used to meet 8-, 9-, and 10-month olds who just looked so big to me. And now he's one of them. One of them who, according to his pediatrician, continues to be pretty big. At today's visit, he weighed in at almost 22 lbs (still 75th percentile) and we discovered that he is 29.5 inches tall - up to the 90th percentile. Our theory, based on his large hands and feet at birth, that he will take after my very tall, very lean Grandpa John persists based on this new data.

These days Kai loves sounds of all sort. Especially sounds he can make by banging, scratching, waving, rubbing, or otherwise manipulating multiple objects together. Pots, pans, spoons and yogurt container lids are way more exciting than any of his toys. Except books. He LOVES books. And he'll pull all of his books off the low shelves until he finds his favorites - Sheep in a Jeep, How Do I Love You, and Where is Baby's Belly Button being chief among them. He's even turning pages successfully at times now (at other times, his version of page turning looks more like grabbing the book by a single page and dangling it high in the air while singing to it). His absolute favorite book we reserve for bedtime - Love is a Handful of Honey - Kai LIGHTS up when he sees it and we love having this evening ritual together as a family.

We've been reluctant to think it true, but the more time passes, the more it seems he may actually know what it means when he says "mama" and "dada," which he's been doing for a while now. I finally decided to believe it today when I left the room for a moment and he frantically began moving toward my new location while intensely calling out, "mama!! mama!!!" He also waved at our pediatrician repeatedly during today's visit, and she told me we could "count" that as well. As posted previously, Kai also clearly makes the sign for nurse - both when he's hungry and also when he just wants me for whatever reason. Mommy = milk apparently, even when milk is not wanted. It's so funny how gradual the assignment of meaning seems to be with gestures and words, though. The signing was clear and obvious when it began, but the waving and the words - well, those were a much slower process. Things he did or said frequently that have become more discriminating with time. He's amazing. A wonder to watch unfolding before our always amazed eyes.

Kai's also loving food of all kinds these days. He usually just has some of our dinner - as long as it's in small enough pieces, he does fine and doesn't need it milled or pureed. He adored the lentil vegetable soup I made for dinner tonight. His pincer grasp is getting pretty reliable, so he is also getting good at feeding himself. Which can make for some messy meals.

I think that's most of what I have to report tonight. I'm a little sad and wistful that his time out of the womb will, from now on, be longer than the time he was with me so closely. It seems every day brings out new actions and experiences of his growing independence, which is exciting and also something I quietly grieve, so grateful for what now feels like the immense freedom and wisdom in deciding to be physically there for so much of his first year. I continue to love him more deeply than I ever knew was possible, even when he shrieks with horror because I've removed some tiny something from his hands that he picked up and really wanted to put in his mouth. He's such a miracle.

And...for the grandparents, and our friends who've been demanding more photos...here are a few. We're working on the video, but it takes ages to upload and with two tiny startup service businesses, well, time is a precious commodity these days, and when available, spent mostly with Kai.

These are from earlier today at the park. It was chilly, so Kai was nicely bundled in his very bright fleecey pants and oddly kind of matching sweater. He sits very well and happily on his own and has for some time, but suddenly at the park, he decided that it would be a fun game to lean against my hand and fall backward whenever I started to remove it - he would laugh and laugh. Which made me laugh and laugh. So we just kept going up and down for several minutes. Bob recorded it - that's one of the videos we want to get up sometime soon!

Kai Speaks!

2008-09-19T20:22:00.003-04:00

...well, with his hands.

I've been making the ASL sign for 'milk/nurse' to Kai for months now and this week I discovered that he actually noticed. He now makes the sign whenever he wants to nurse and often looks very proud and pleased when I respond.

More pics and that promised video of Kai crawling very soon...

Breaking News: Crawling!

2008-09-08T13:18:00.003-04:00

Our correspondent in the field informs us that at approximately 12:45pm EDT on the 8th of September, one Mr. Kai Alexander Bellon successfully crawled for the first time. Said Mr. Bellon was seen tossing a toy on the floor of his living room, and then crawling to retrieve it.

We hope to obtain video footage of this new development, just as soon as Kai's parents are able to locate their camera.

Stay tuned for further developments.

On Our Own for a Few Days

2008-08-28T17:42:00.002-04:00

Bob's away on a meditation retreat for a few days this week, so Kai and I are having some good quality mom and baby time together! I won't lie, I sorely missed my sleep in time this morning when he decided it was a good day to revert to waking up at 5:30 am and there was no dad in sight to join him.

At this moment, Kai is alternately playing with his organic cotton carrot (thanks again, Kate!), pounding the floor and then laughing hysterically when I look down and over at him, or...

successfully dragging himself forward just a little bit!!! This is a brand new first as of the last few moments!!!

The Daddy Diaries: Another Photojournal

2008-08-08T21:28:00.012-04:00

We don't get around to posting nearly as often as we would like, but here are more pics highlighting some of the events of the last two weeks:

Kai about to devour a paper bag

I really wish we had video of this. He loved the sound the bag made as he whacked it with his hands.

Am I not supposed to chew on the green part?

Kai showing off his standing skills and computer skills (the hat helps with both).

Kai has become a big fan of the water.

From our trip to the DeCordova Museum's sculpture park.

Kai took this one of Lauren and me sleeping. He finished half of that bag of popcorn while we napped. And, of course, he patiently waited for us to wake up, entertaining himself by singing Beatles songs and making friends with a family of squirrels. Okay, that's all lies and misrepresentations. But we did have some good family time on our Sesame Street blanket.

From our hike in the Middlesex Fells.

The Daddy Diaries: Adventures in Solid Foods

2008-07-30T13:20:00.004-04:00

Kai has turned into a champion eater and explorer of all things edible. It seems that he'll eat just about anything, as evidenced by the raw onion he grabbed and sucked on while Lauren was making dinner the other night. When Lauren took it away, he got upset and reached for more. Some of the more run-of-the-mill foods he's tried so far are: avocado, carrot, quinoa, zucchini, oatmeal, sweet potato, rice pasta, banana, watermelon, spinach, lentils, and blueberries. It's hard to decide which foods make the biggest mess, but I'd say that sweet potato and watermelon are right up at the top of that list. He needed a bath immediately following both of the meals pictured below....

Happy Birthday to Me! or...Thank You!!!!

2008-07-27T20:36:00.002-04:00

I feel so very loved and special. Thank you to my wonderful husband who absolutely accomplished his goals of surprising me for my upcoming 30th birthday, and of making me feel so good on this occasion...The video, audio, and e-mail submissions were lovely, and what people had to say at the party was so generous and kind and nice.

Bob knows me well, and truly, I do love public praise and surprises and being the center of attention (hey, I can admit it about myself! :) ), so his request for people to share why they think I'm so fabulous was pretty much the perfect gift! And yes, I was totally, completely surprised. It actually scared the bejeezus out of me when I walked into the house and saw so many people all yelling, "surprise!" It was also just so fun because there were multiple babies and kids here, and well, I loved that.

A special thanks to Deji for driving to NH to pick up a cake that would agree with Kai's tummy via me (dairy- and gluten-free).

I have to say, I'm really looking forward to actually turning 30! (August 12, in case you're wondering!).

Molars?!?

2008-07-26T22:17:00.002-04:00

Have we mentioned? Kai is teething. But he's approaching the process in a very individualistic manner. No sign of his front four teeth, but we've seen white pop through in the back where molars go, and there are big swollen lumps where canines and incisors live. During our most recent visit, our pediatrician exclaimed, "Oh! I know this happens but I've never seen it! Let me feel!" Kai obliged.

Our generally chipper fellow has definitely been slightly less chipper with all the activity under his gums.

The Daddy Diaries: Photojournal Edition

2008-07-10T20:39:00.012-04:00

Bath time in the sink!

Splashing is a necessary and fun part of bathing.

Play time with friends Jenny & Sophie.

(back row from l. to r.) Lauren, Kai, Jenny, and David. Bob's knee and Sophie in foreground.

Solid foods are messy!

Gnaw, gnaw, gnaw. Carrots are good for teething. Especially when your first tooth to break through is a molar. Yes, seriously.

Kai liked his bowl more than the avocado on this day. (don't worry, the chips are for Lauren)

Avocado soul patch.

The Daddy Diaries: Our Little Geek

2008-07-09T08:30:00.004-04:00

Kai often appears fascinated when Lauren and I are typing - sometimes we let him play with the keyboard. Usually that just means a lot of space bar pressing, but occasionally he does something quite unexpected.

Just a few minutes ago, he began banging on the keyboard and somehow managed to open a new tab in Firefox with the version 3.0 release notes. Which was quite impressive. A bit more banging and he bookmarked the page. Which was amazing. Then he printed the release notes. Clearly, he's much more advanced than we give him credit for. We'll see if he wants to read them (or more likely, chew on them) later.

More true to form, Kai now writes:
,,hj n .

,,hj n . indeed. I know you're smarter than you're letting on.

The Daddy Diaries: New Milestones

2008-07-01T17:09:00.007-04:00

Our little bear is growing up so fast. For the last few weeks he's been consistently rolling over from back to tummy (he's been doing tummy to back for quite some time). His new favorite bedtime game is to roll over. And over. And over. He's also begun rolling over in his sleep.

About a week to ten days ago, he just woke up one day with a new level of alertness. Both Lauren and I noticed it independently. When he looks at us or at other people or objects, he just seems more focused and intense. We look at him and there's just something there in his eyes. He knows. I don't know what he knows exactly. But it's there.

Within the last week, he's begun flailing his arms in a new and....interesting....way. And I swear that he hits me now to get my attention sometimes. Here's a recent vid of the flailing:

Just two days ago, he started profusely babbling consonants, including many we'd never heard him utter before. There's a bit of that in the previous video, but here's an more extensive sampling:

Don't know what exciting new tricks are up next for him, but we'll let you know when they come....

50 Things To Do with Kids in Boston...

2008-06-26T14:37:00.002-04:00

A fantastic post by Christina at Alpha Mom! Among my favorites:

21. Listen to E.B. White read The Trumpet of the Swan on audio book and then head down to the Public Garden for a ride on the Swan Boats . Do you hear Louie?

23. Baby Loves Disco ! A monthly kid party at Revolution Rock Bar.

A new chapter begins!

2008-06-22T21:46:00.010-04:00

Well folks, I've up and quit my job. Sort of. I gave them notice that should have taken effect a week or two ago, but they've kept me on two days a week until the end of this month. Possibly longer. And I'm probably going to do some consulting at Simmons as well into the beginning of the fall. But...

The real story is what we're up to now. I've started teaching Itsy Bitsy Yoga for babies and toddlers. And I'm now available as a postpartum doula as well! Check me out: www.namastebaby.org! Bob and I are also engaged in the planning phase of our educational consulting business - if you know of high school students who could benefit from an independent college counselor, just let us know!

Bob and I took some pictures tonight so that I could update the site with a couple of baby yoga images. Enjoy...(tomorrow we'll post a few more pics and some video).

The Daddy Diaries: Encounters in Arlington

2008-06-10T10:53:00.007-04:00

With all the walking we do, Kai is becoming a minor celebrity here in East Arlington. Some highlights of our encounters:

A woman pushing her child in a stroller comes up to us and says "hey, we see each other everywhere!" As far as I can recall, I've never seen this woman before in my life. We chat for a few minutes about our kids and then I explain to her that Kai and I have just returned from a 5-mile walk through Winchester and Medford, which is just part of the 10-15 miles we walk daily. She looks at me a bit askew and no doubt realizes that a lot of people must see me everywhere. But hey, she was really nice and I enjoyed our brief conversation.

An 80+ year old man walking down Mass Ave asks me how old Kai is. He then proceeds to tell me that he has four kids: 58, 57, 56, and 54 years old. "There was a brief time when all four of them were in diapers. Tough, but worth every minute."

A stooped-over nonagenarian woman grabs my arm as I walk by her on the sidewalk.

"What's his name?"
"Kai"
"Hi Kyle"
"No, it's Kai."
"What?"
"Kai. K. A. I."
"Oh. (long pause) Where are your people from?"

Now, I'm not usually asked this question by random people on the street, so my answer comes out a bit disjointed. "Well, ummm....my people are from Germany...and uh....France. And Ireland. And Sweden?" (I don't know why that one comes out as a question - perhaps I have secret doubts about the Swedes that I'm not aware of). I haven't even started on all the places that Lauren's 'people' are from and I surmise from her blank expression that she was just curious about the name. Several seconds pass as she continues the blank stare.

"My people are from Sicily. (another long pause) I have something for you. Hold on."

She walks over to the front steps of what I presume to be her apartment and reaches into a large plastic bag. Uh-oh. I'm scared. She's a religious nut and wants to help me find Jesus. No, she's just plain crazy and is going to hand me an old sock or perhaps a moldy onion. Wait, did she say Sicily? Images of Tony Soprano's mother flash through my mind. If she pulls out a revolver, are my reflexes fast enough to take this old crone out before she guns us down?

Whew. It's just a pamphlet. Back to theory #1 - fundamentalist fanatic. No, wait - it's a guide to immunizations put out by the Mass Dept. of Public Health. I thank her profusely (I was so relieved not to be the victim of random gun violence) and then Kai and I are on our way. No idea why this woman had a DPH pamphlet from 2004 sitting in a bag on her front stoop, but I suppose it was sweet of her to share.

We've had many more encounters with random strangers, usually briefer than the one with DPH pamphlet lady. Just today a woman stopped at a light shouted out of her car window "hey, you're like twins!" Ummm....okay. Sharing 50% of your genes with someone does tend to make you look alike. But she did put a smile on my face.

It seems that the two most common comments from strangers (as well as family & friends) about Kai are that a) he looks just like me and b) he's gorgeous.

I'm trying really hard not to draw the obvious conclusion and thereby over-inflate my ego.

Oh my goodness...

2008-06-04T11:23:00.000-04:00

Naked Time!

2008-06-04T09:32:00.002-04:00

That is all.

Take heart!

2008-06-02T16:10:00.001-04:00

Wow! A plethora of infant sleep studies, all showing that we are soooo not alone, and night waking is very normal, even/especially in babies who were sleeping much better between 2 and 4 months of age!

http://kellymom.com/parenting/sleep/sleepstudies.html

Breastfeeding Hero

2008-05-22T22:03:00.003-04:00

A mom on my favorite bulletin board (the breastfeeding board at ovusoft.com) posted this video story. So inspiring...this Chinese police officer truly acted as a mother. Beautiful.

Because Parents Don't Have Enough Worries

2008-05-22T08:21:00.005-04:00

On Organic Formula and the Chemicals in plastics:

"...Researchers suggested early exposure to these chemicals could mean a lifetime fighting obesity. Bruce Blumberg from the University of California at Irvine, who conducted the tributylin research, is quoted in the article: "Developmental exposure is probably more serious than adult exposure because the data with other such exposures suggest that the pro-obesity reprogramming is irreversible, which means you will spend your life fighting weight gain."

But what we're feeding babies might still add to the problem. The New York Times reported today on Similac Organic baby formula..."

Laughing Fit

2008-05-19T19:19:00.003-04:00

Kai couldn't stop laughing tonight while I was getting him ready for bed. I coughed, he laughed. I smiled, he laughed. I looked at him, he laughed. I actually had to calm him down a couple of times, because his laughter was threatening to turn into tears. He cracks me up. In other news, he went beyond his necklace fixation today when he discovered my earrings. I won't be wearing those around him for a while.

Here's a somewhat grainy, very short snippet from his laughing fit. I love this kid so much.

Tummy Time!

2008-05-14T21:32:00.005-04:00

Kai is generally a big fan of tummy time. No wonder, since all of his new tricks can be done from that starting point!

For Tired Parents

2008-05-08T15:58:00.004-04:00

and anyone else who is sleep-deprived! A game published by the BBC to test the impact of your sleep deprivation on your reaction times. I am apparently hovering between a sluggish snail and an ambling armadillo!

Another New Trick!

2008-05-07T16:27:00.003-04:00

Today was Kai's 4-month well visit. He's just about doubled in size at 16 pounds! He's in the 75th percentile for height (almost 26"), weight, and head circumference. Which means not very much at all, but it's reportable data, so that's fun.

I thought that with his shot this afternoon, he wouldn't be up for much other than nursing and sleep when we got home. He was distressed, to be sure, but after a nap, I moved Kai to the middle of our bed, where he rested on his back while I got ready to nurse him. Except then, in a sudden turn of events, he decided to roll over from his back to his tummy, shocking both me and himself! And then he did it again a few moments later.

Between that and his new slow-mo breakdancing move (scootching himself around 180 degrees while on his tummy), I think we're facing impending mobility. And must now begin babyproofing. Tom and Marissa were right. We should have done that while I was still pregnant!!!

Four Months and Very Happy!

2008-05-06T20:23:00.003-04:00

Hee, hee. I love my boys.

Sweetest Thing Ever

2008-05-05T07:00:00.003-04:00

After posting (lengthily) about sleep last night, I had a very sweet night of sleep next to Kai. Not sure how many times he woke up (there were a couple of diaper changes that both of us slept through), but with the exception of twice when he made it clear he was hungry, he fell back asleep by holding my hand whenever he woke.

4 Months Later...

2008-05-04T19:54:00.005-04:00

Bob reminded me this morning that it has been a while since I last posted. I do have a few thoughts that I've been mulling over of late.

First, though, I can hardly believe that just four months ago at this time, I was entering into the active stage of my labor, getting ready to meet Kai for the first time. It is true what they say. I have a hard time fathoming that he has not always been right here with us, part of our day-to-day lives. And at the same time, the rapidity with which he keeps growing, developing, and changing shocks me. I want to freeze time so that it will stop moving so (too) quickly.

My thoughts at the time of Kai's four-month "birthday" (I warn you, this has turned into a long post):

Kai is the best meditation teacher I have ever had
After years of struggling with monkey mind during meditation, Kai has me existing far more in the present moment than I ever have before. When he's hungry I feed him. When he yawns I begin helping him to sleep. When he shudders, or looks at me a certain way, I know he has a wet diaper, and I change it. Peaceful existence requires paying keen attention to what Kai is doing right now, and for the most part, I'm able to stay right there with him. When I don't, well, that tends to be when both of us get frustrated. I've also struggled in meditation with the concepts of "doing it right" and obsessing with what others think. More on "doing it right" in a moment, but as far as what others think....Now when I encounter new people or new environments, somehow the knowledge that I was able to create this life out of love, that my body gave birth powerfully, and that it continues to nourish and sustain Kai...well, somehow that knowledge trumps everything else.

Parenting, Breastfeeding, Sleep...
I've been thinking a lot about how important it is to be at peace with whatever parenting style one chooses, while also maintaining an open mind and some flexibility. After much reading, Bob and I felt drawn to what is known as the attachment style of parenting while I was pregnant. Once Kai was born, all of our instincts confirmed that this was the right choice for our family. Basically, this means that I breastfeed on demand (and Bob bottlefeeds expressed milk on demand) as opposed to on a schedule, we spend a lot of time wearing and holding Kai, we co-sleep (sometimes Kai sleeps in a co-sleeper bassinette attached to our bed, but lately, he's sleeping better in bed with us - we take the required precautions to ensure his safety). And most importantly, we really work to tune into him and respond to his needs.

Most of the time, I feel really secure in our choices. We've done a lot of reading and research, and have been most persuaded by the evidence that supports what we're doing. And our instincts tell us it feels right. But there's so MUCH out there about parenting, about how to make sure you don't "ruin" your child. Sometimes it reminds me of wedding porn, which, if read in large enough quantities by even the most level-headed of brides-to-be, can easily persuade folks that if two people really love each other, the proof will be spending at least $20k on a wedding. When it comes to parenting literature, it's easy to let self-doubt creep in.

And in the US, the biggest money maker of parenting literature and advice concerns sleep. If you are a relatively recent parent, then you know about the maniacal obsession that exists with infant sleep in this country. There are so many schools of thought, and so many "programs" or "strategies" to train children to sleep "correctly." And so many definitions of correct.

I've done lots and lots of reading about sleep, and paid attention to our experience with Kai, as well as to the experiences of parents we know in real life and literally hundreds of other parents on the bulletin boards at ovusoft.com (my favorite support network). I've ordered a book from Australia that I couldn't buy here and I've obsessed with the best of them, not because I generally have a problem with the way Kai sleeps, but because I want to do what's best for him.

Here's the conclusion I've come to: sleep development is not linear, and is not entirely in the control of parents. The best strategy for a parent/baby couple is whatever strategy works. If that's the swing, that's the swing. If the crib, then the crib. If it's holding your little one, well, then, hold your little one. There seem to be some babies who are outliers, who either sleep really, really well from the get-go with rare deviations from that pattern or who persistently wake up once an hour all night and catnap through the day, seemingly regardless of the various strategies employed by their parents. Most babies, though, whether their parents sleep train them or not, seem to go through phases of sleeping better and worse, and, eventually by the time they are a few years old, can fall asleep well on their own.

So I have decided to completely disregard the school of thought that says my child must fall asleep a certain way, otherwise his "sleep associations" will be "bad" ones. Somehow he manages to fall asleep sometimes by himself (not most of the time, but every so often), sometimes by nursing to sleep, sometimes with a pacifier, sometimes while one of us wears him, sometimes by having me rock him and sing to him. Sometimes in the car, sometimes in large groups of people, sometimes in a dark, quiet room with white noise playing.

Lest you think he's one of those "easy babies" for whom sleep comes easily, let me correct you at this point. This kid can resist sleep with the best of them. It's just that I've concluded that there is nothing wrong with helping my baby to sleep. With the exception of the past week or two, during which he's had a cold and been teething, he generally was waking twice nightly to nurse. With co-sleeping and nursing side-lying, I never even really woke up. He's still very young, and breastmilk digests super fast, so I assume he's hungry when he wakes. I know some little ones can go longer stretches without eating, and heck, maybe he could, too, but my instincts tell me he's truly hungry.

Some nights lately, he's woken up multiple times each hour between midnight and 5am. That's harder. Much harder. Much, much harder. I decided to take a wait and see approach and it's already getting better (last night we went back to two wake-ups, but I fully expect that tonight could be another long night). But you know what? Like I said before, he's teething and just got over a cold. He's also at a classic age for sleep "regression" - there's SOOO much going on for babies his age developmentally and all the changes they experience in their sight, hearing, touch, and cognition get processed during those sleeping hours. They "rehearse" new developmental moves like the motions involved in rolling over or sitting up or walking. Given what goes on around four months, it really is no wonder to me that he's somewhat restless. When he wakes up normally, I nurse him back to sleep. Even if it's just for comfort, I'm okay with that. Because of the combination of his reflux and my continued oversupply, though, I have to be careful not to overfeed him. So given the way he's been waking at night lately, I nurse if it's been two hours or more since he last ate, and I rock him back to sleep if it's been less than that.

As far as naps go (another obsession of us new parents), mostly if we wear him or hold him, he'll sleep for up to two or even three hours at a time. Every once in a while, I can put him down after he's asleep and he stays that way. Mostly, though, if he's not held he sleeps for 20-45 minutes whereas if he's held he'll sleep for up to three hours. We're blessed that Bob stays home full-time so we can support this styles of napping. On weekends I take almost all the naps, and as long as I don't resist the pattern (consistent with what the experts say about sleep patterns, Kai has minor awakenings after 5, 10, and 20 minutes - sometimes he needs help returning immediately to sleep, sometimes he does it on his own), I find that I can sit and read the NY Times on my iPhone, or sit and meditate while I hold him, or, if he's being extra cooperative, I can lie down holding him and take a nap myself.

As a working mom, I actually particularly appreciate the time at night when I nurse Kai, and the hours I spend holding him for his naps. At the advice of a yoga teacher, I try to focus on the feeling of his little body in my arms, memorizing it for the day he's too cool for hugs or the day after he leaves for college, when I will remember this time not for the sleep deprivation, but for the sheer joy and love and privilege of parenting an infant, a little creature who exists still with no malice or ill-will, who is whole and perfect, and whose needs I happen to be perfectly created to meet.

I write all of this not so much to say that what I am doing is right or wrong, but more to say that what has become important to me is trusting my instincts. I do my homework, and I pay a lot of attention to the cues that Kai gives me. I'm happiest when I accept him and his sleep (and everything about him) exactly as it is, and meet his needs based on that acceptance.

Love
There's little else to say than that word. I love Kai more abundantly than I ever knew it was possible to love.

Babies
I have also become, for the first time in my life, utterly obsessed with babies. When I find out someone is pregnant, I go nutty. I diligently check other people's baby blogs for the latest on their wee ones (my favorites are those that my friends Karen, Kris, and Rebecca keep for their progeny).

The Daddy Diaries: The Many Moods of Kai

2008-05-01T12:09:00.009-04:00

Here are some pics from the last few weeks that highlight Kai's ever-changing moods.....

I let him try out sitting in the big person chair this day. I'll call this one bored. Or possibly confused:

Taking a bath with mommy. Definitely concerned or frightened. Demon eyes are a bonus:

This one I'll call dignified (but it's probably a repeat of confused):

Seriously distressed (I blame the hat):

Finally, my favorite. Super-duper happy:

I have much video to share, but I haven't figured out how to sufficiently compress the video so that it's small enough to post. I'll have to consult with Lauren and one of us will post it soon.

The Daddy Diaries: Sickness, Bottle Feeding & The Weimar Republic

2008-04-21T15:12:00.007-04:00

In the spirit of family togetherness, Kai & Lauren & I are all sharing a head cold right now.

Blergh.

In other news, Kai and I have finally agreed to terms for this whole bottle-feeding thing. Actually, it's less of an agreement and more of a series of decrees made by Kai that I never agreed to, but reluctantly observe because I have little choice. Not unlike the terms imposed on Germany post-WWI. Except I'm not angry. And I don't owe Kai reparations. In any case, the agreement goes something like this:

There will be no bottle-feeding unless you sing to me.
Bottle-feeding will not be successful unless you are bouncing, swaying, or rocking.
I will only open wide when I feel like it.
I reserve the right to spit milk at you if the mood strikes me.
The bottle nipple will be chewed on, rolled around in my mouth, and clamped down upon if I so desire.
Just because I get milk from the bottle doesn't mean I'm going to swallow it.
The terms of this agreement are by no means final; I may tweak, modify, change, or alter this agreement as often as I like. Especially if I'm cranky.

I do have to say that, on the whole, these terms are not too bad. Kai typically drinks 10-15 ounces of milk per day when Lauren is away. All of his particular wants around feeding are a small price to pay for a happy, well-fed child.

As soon as I have the energy to mount a search for our missing camera, I'll post some more photos/video of Kai in action.

Chatty Little Guy

2008-04-05T13:16:00.000-04:00

:) Finally got this to upload by reducing the image quality. It's from a few weeks ago (when Kai was, hmm, 10 weeks old). I discovered that my voice can get very high pitched and silly when I talk to babies! Kai LOVES the changing table. LOVES it.

The Daddy Diaries: A New Seat and A New Toy

2008-04-04T15:38:00.004-04:00

A quick post for those of you demanding more pictures.....

Here's one of Kai's first attempts at sitting in his new Bumbo:

And here's our little bear with his new wind-up musical bear:

Kid just gets cuter every day.

The Daddy Diaries: Parenting is a Contact Sport

2008-03-26T07:42:00.004-04:00

Make no mistake about it, parenting can be painful. Physically.

Both Lauren and I have nursed sore backs from carrying Kai around all day. Lauren's shoulders and my biceps occasionally ache as well. Our dear son's freakishly fast-growing fingernails have been known to latch on to arms, breasts, and even faces. But by far the most fearsome weapon in Kai's arsenal of pain is his head. One sneak attack from his surprisingly hard noggin can leave me reeling. Yesterday morning he whacked me so hard on the bridge of the nose that tears sprang into my eyes (I was also laughing hysterically, which may have contributed).

Here's a recent pic of me trying to burp Kai, while hiding from the wrath of his steel-plated melon:

Owie.

A New Trick!

2008-03-25T10:35:00.004-04:00

Kai rolled over this morning for the first time, from his tummy to his back. He's been working on it for a few days and when it finally happened, he looked mighty overwhelmed by his first step to mobility. Mom and dad realized that soon, he'll be rolling from back to tummy, and that means we're gonna have to finally get around to doing some baby-proofing. Oy. I've got some pics and video to post from the last week or so...will try to do that tonight.

Cross Your Fingers!

2008-03-20T17:48:00.005-04:00

For those who need their fix, more pictures from last week of the little man, wearing the sweater and booties my mom made for him (we'll post more over the weekend):

Bob carrying Kai in the Moby...I'm so proud of him for learning to use it:

Well, the breastshields aren't going to cut it. No pumping for me, hand expression it is. The good news is that I'm consistently getting 3-4+ ounces of milk per session, which is plenty. I'm going to see my Lactation Consultant soon to see if there are any things I can be doing to improve efficiency, output, or the rapidly developing repetitive stress injuries in my hands!

The bad news...a couple of our bottles of milk soured well before they should have. I nearly cried when we dumped them, and was impressed when I didn't, but I am getting considerably more practical about all of this and much less emotional. I am hoping that if we push the milk to the back of the fridge from the front, and/or store in glass containers, that will solve the problem. If not, then the problem is likely something called excess lipase in my milk, which starts breaking down the fat and leading to a sour smell/taste. Doesn't actually spoil the milk, but Kai flat out refused to take one of his bottles today and it turned out to be one that smelled slightly sour. I don't blame him. I wouldn't want sour tasting milk either. If it is excess lipase, scalding the milk before storing it will solve the problem, though it will also reduce the nutritional and immunological benefits a little bit (apparently not an issue unless one is exclusively pumping).

So anyway - cross your fingers that it's just a storage issue. We can scald the milk, but it would definitely be a PITA.

Can I just say - three cheers for my determination, and also for my body and its excess supply, which made it possible for Kai to gain weight, even when not latching well, and is making hand expression a reasonable alternative for me!

Back at Work...

2008-03-17T18:42:00.003-04:00

Day one at work wasn't so bad. I have the world's most amazing, supportive boss. I'm using some vacation time to work short hours for a little while, upon her encouragement to do so. Called Medela this morning, since my package never arrived over the weekend - they agreed that they had made an error, refunded the cost of shipping, and said the breastshields should be here Wednesday. In the meantime, I had some success with manually expressing milk - 11 ounces today while I was at work. Not bad for my first day.

The Daddy Diaries: Day One

2008-03-17T14:29:00.003-04:00

Lauren returned to work today, so it's my first day as a full-time stay-at-home super-Dad (I tried to think of ways to get some more hyphens into that sentence, but alas, my creativity runneth dry).

I was a bit nervous about me and the little monkey making it through the day without Lauren here to feed him, soothe him, and generally be fantastic. But with Lauren due home in a couple of hours and Kai fast asleep, we've had a pretty successful first day if I might say. Some highlights of our day: an enormously long (2+ hours) nap this morning (for Kai, not me), a walk to the Arlington Town Hall to pay the excise tax on the car, several successful bottle feedings, and a lot of time spent bounce-bounce-bouncing (I knew I could get some more hypens in this post somewhere) on the exercise ball while wearing him in the Moby wrap and listening to a looping white noise track on iTunes.

We'll see how tomorrow goes....

I'm in Love

2008-03-16T19:40:00.002-04:00

Kai's taking a nap on me in the Moby right now...he's about to wake up for his last meal of the evening before I put him to bed, and I just keep looking down at him and kissing his cheek and feeling completely, totally in love. He is the most precious, adorable, wonderful, soft, good-smelling gift I've ever received. I can't believe that we made him, and I can't believe I grew him (and am still growing him!). He's perfect.

Kai (at 10 weeks) and Friends

2008-03-15T12:59:00.009-04:00

I had yet another reminder yesterday about why I love my husband so much, and why I'm so excited that Kai will get to have him as a full-time dad. Bob decided it was important to gather all of Kai's animal friends in one location for a photo shoot:

(This, of course, made me think of the time, shortly after we had moved in together, when I arrived home to discover Bob in our room, with the two big bears that we had (seen in the center of the pics above), seated in a circle on the bed.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Summit of the Bears," he replied, knowing this would delight me (I'm really a two-year old at heart).

"What are you all discussing at this summit?"

"Inter-bear racism."

In addition to Kai's animal friends, he met one of his human friends, Joellen, for the first time on Friday. Jo, who works for public radio's Marketplace, sang Kai what she called a Marketplace rap. The second picture is quintessential Jo, and is, I think, a perplexed Kai deciding that he likes this kooky chic.

The Saga Continues...

2008-03-13T20:21:00.002-04:00

Well, I convinced Blue Cross Blue Shield to cover the pump and the shields, so we ordered the expensive glass ones today - and were even able to order them for Saturday delivery, contrary to what I was originally told. Don't know whether they will be any better, but definitely worth a shot, especially with insurance paying for it...

Also managed to get about an ounce of breastmilk after a few minutes of manual expression earlier today, so perhaps that will actually be a decent back up suggestion.

Blah.

Another Breastfeeding Post

2008-03-13T10:13:00.003-04:00

If you'd rather not think any more about my nipples, I totally understand. Stop reading here.

The update to my problems with pumping is that the flanges are indeed too small for me. At the suggestion of a lactation consultant, I rented a Medela Symphony pump from the hospital yesterday, to see if the slightly different shape of their breastshields would improve the situation. And it did improve things somewhat.

But even with the XXL size, 36mm (which they told me at the hospital they almost never need to use), after a few minutes and even on low suction, I start to have the same problem, with my nips filling up the bottom of the tunnel, rubbing against it, and generally chafing. You'd never know it to look at my breasts...my nipples appear so tiny. But once that whole vacuum suction thing starts, dude do they expand.

So today I talked to Medela (the maker of the pump) customer service. Only thing left to try is 40mm, which is glass, has to be ordered specially, and costs $129.99 for each one! Which, frankly, I would happily spend, but not without some confidence it will work/be worth it. It also wouldn't be here for at least a week, which really doesn't help me go back to work on Monday.

I think we've got enough expressed milk for Monday (and actually, probably more, since Kai still refuses to drink more than maybe an ounce at a time from a bottle and seems to prefer to just wait until I'm here to feed him), but I'm so scared I'm not going to be able to pump during the day when I return to work. If my commute weren't so long (about an hour), Bob could just bring Kai to me a few times a day, but that doesn't really seem feasible under the circumstances. Kai is only going to be 10 weeks old when I return, and I really don't want to have to give him formula at such a young age, especially given his existing digestive issues (formula's much harder on a baby's tummy than breastmilk). I also don't even want to think about how engorged my breasts will get if this is what we have to do.

I've been trying to learn the Marmet technique for hand expression, but am having no luck. Plus, from what I understand, hand expression takes much longer than pumping. I would theoretically have needed to pump 3-4 times/day at work - I have a supportive boss/environment, but would feel very badly if I'm spending more time than that would have taken already not doing my work.

Why, oh why, can't my breasts just be like other people's? This is doing nothing for my relationship with them. Or the birth/postpartum supplies industry. Grr.

Seriously?

2008-03-11T13:55:00.002-04:00

Ugh. So now I'm pumping more regularly to get ready for going back to work. And my pump is giving me plugged ducts/I'm getting less and less milk when I pump. I think it's a problem with the flange fit, but I'm not sure whether I need bigger or smaller flanges, so once again, I've left messages for my LC and local La Leche League leaders, hoping one of them will get back to me in the near future, since I only have a limited amount of time to resolve this issue. Everyone else I've asked has said they had no problems with pumping. Seriously, I'm so done with obstacles to breastfeeding. And before anyone suggests it, the problem with using formula during the day when you return to work (aside from the nutritional and immunological problems) is that ultimately, doing so has a tendency to reduce your supply and lead to early weaning.

Aargh.

9 Weeks Old...

2008-03-09T15:38:00.003-04:00

Kai, just up from a nap:

Bob's last day of work was Friday. We're home together this week, then back to work for me the following week. Can't believe Kai's already 9 weeks old!

First milestone met!

2008-03-05T21:46:00.002-05:00

Kai is two months old today! A quick note to say how proud I am of myself for surviving all of our breastfeeding challenges to this point. His latch is finally solid, I'm no longer in pain, and I love feeding my child this way! Hurrah!

Next goal: six months (at which point, I'm definitely going out for fancy dinner with my friend Rebecca!)
After that: self-weaning.

Poor Little Guy!

2008-03-05T18:18:00.002-05:00

More pics to come over the weekend, I promise...

Bob talked to Kai's pediatrician yesterday to find out what exactly the interaction between his thrush medication and the reflux medication might be and whether it was serious. Turns out that most sources say no interaction, but one suggests that the reflux meds might slightly reduce the efficacy of the thrush medication, but probably not substantially.

When even the vacuum ceased to help him, and I could do nothing but hold my poor little screaming infant while he screamed, and just hope that it made him feel better than screaming on his own would have, I was glad of this news, and we decided to "risk" it.

Night and day my friends. At least we are now confident that Kai is not one of the many overdiagnosed cases of reflux. He is SOOOOOOO much happier. Don't get me wrong, he still fusses a bit, (it's evening right now, and indeed, he's feeling a bit cranky), but my goodness. Seriously. Night and day. He napped for three hours straight this afternoon (after only a few minutes of being bounced) today with a couple of quick nursing breaks thrown in. Napped for an hour in the morning before we left to (sad) get his two month vaccination shots, and then napped in the car for another hour after (I took the occasion of his falling asleep to go for a drive on Route 2, which was quite relaxing). One hour of his afternoon nap was even in the Pack & Play. I actually ate a leisurely lunch with no one attached to me while reading a book!

It's such a relief to be able to look at him and not see a tiny little creature in pain. The thrush also seems to be getting better...

I Think We're Doing Pretty Well, Given...

2008-03-04T08:40:00.002-05:00

I feel for this kid. And for his parents. I'm just going to go ahead and say it. Kai is a really, really fussy baby. We're getting much better at calming him down, and I think we're finally realizing that we're not doing anything wrong, not missing some big THING that is troubling him. We suspect that he is 1) very easily overstimulated; 2) very sensitive to the digestive issues that his immature, eight-week old gut have; 3) very sensitive to the reflux that all babies naturally have (their esophaguses tend to just open up willy nilly - some babies mind, others don't); and 4) needs a lot of help napping during the day because of these issues. This morning, I got him napping in record time. As soon as he started to fuss, on went the vacuum. He stopped screaming pretty much immediately and was asleep in seconds. Left it on while I put him in my Moby wrap (so that I could turn the vacuum off and he would actually keep sleeping). He's been out for 47 minutes so far - I'm aiming for this to be a one and a half to two hour nap for him. I'm headed out for a walk in a few minutes.

So far, with the exception of a few nights, we have been incredibly lucky with respect to his nocturnal patters. Last night, for instance, he slept from 7-8, then had his last big meal of the day, passed out by around 9:30pm, slept until 1 something am, and then slept until 4 or 5 something am (now that his latch is better and I can feed him in the dark and in our room, I'm not even really that aware of what time it is when he wakes during the night). I can't figure out what makes night so much easier for him - perhaps it's that whole overstimulation thing during the day.

This morning I'm feeling confident that this phase will eventually pass - I always know it will---

---This was when Kai interrupted me by waking up and wanting to eat. And chat for maybe five minutes. Then scream for a while. Then to discover that he actually can scream even when the vacuum cleaner runs. Luckily, it was about fifty degrees out this morning, and hadn't started raining yet, so, with the vacuum at least keeping him mellow enough that I could succesfully put him back in the Moby (like sleep - he always calms down once he's back in the carrier for a few minutes, but he sometimes resists going in...but then, when he's in that state, he pretty much resists everything except arching his back and screaming) and walk around the block. Back to sleep.

I'm trying to decide whether to go to my mom's group this afternoon. On the pro side of the list, I usually learn at least one helpful tidbit. On the con side, I'm feeling relatively unstressed by my son today, but I'm not sure how I'll do today with a meltdown outside the house where I don't have all my different tools (like the vacuum).

Again, a shoutout to the message boards at Ovusoft.com. How I do love the women who post there. So many people whose babies fussed the same way Kai does and who can tell me that it passed at 12 weeks, or four months, or whenever, and can serve as wonderful reminders that I'm doing my job as a parent by being there with him when he's upset and doing my best to find the source, but that this may also just be his temperament right now. (By the way - I'm generally a good speller, but I just discovered that temperament is spelled temperament, not temperment).

Go to Sleep Little Monkey. Please?

2008-03-03T11:28:00.007-05:00

Oh, little Mortikai. Not his name, just what we call him sometimes. At only eight weeks old, he has decided that naps are for suckers and he doesn't want to take any. Which would be fine if it weren't for that fact that once he yawns for the first time, it's all downhill from there. We've got three, maybe five minutes if we're lucky to get him asleep before he starts screaming a scream we'd rather not hear all day! This little boy who used to conk out wherever now requires that we wear him while bouncing on the bouncy ball and listening either to the vacuum cleaner or some other very loud white noise in order to a) go to sleep, and b) stay asleep for longer than three minutes. Mostly we're fine with this, but my shoulder kinda hurts today, so it would be truly amazing if I could lie down and take a nap with him, but no such luck. Here's us, right now, bouncing at the computer and listening to a very loud waterfall that I downloaded from iTunes (we're a little fuzzy on account of the bouncing):

And here's me wearing him on various other recent occasions:

On the upside, all this movement and continued breastfeeding means that I'm back into my "healthy size" jeans already and am only about five pounds away from pre-pregnancy weight.

Finally, I'll leave you with the purplest picture we took of our little bear during his unsuccessful but amusing treatment of gentian violet (the oral diflucan that he's taking now seems to be doing the trick, though sadly, we cannot give him his reflux meds at the same time and he's pretty unhappy again about spitting up when it happens - I've cut out dairy and chocolate in the hope that it will help him out until he can return to the reflux meds again - which I sadly decided to do only two hours after purchasing a quart of B&J Cookie Dough Ice Cream, now sitting in my freezer, taunting me with its unavailability):

Oh! One more "finally" - the demon baby picture caused by a failed red eye adjuster:

Stupid Thrush

2008-02-28T19:49:00.003-05:00

Ugh. After four days of little baby purple mouth and mama's purple nipples, Kai still has thrush. And he's super unhappy about it. Really fussy about nursing, spending most of the day upset. Poor guy. After visiting my LC this afternoon, I asked my pedi to write an Rx for baby diflucan for Kai. This should, in theory, do the trick. My pain, at least, is subsiding with my own diflucan Rx.

At the moment, he's napping peacefully in my ergo carrier. We just ordered a beautiful new carrier from Mei Tai Baby - can't wait for it to arrive! I'm digging the whole baby wearing thing. Makes life a lot easier!

Sorry, no pics with this post. Things have been far too intense today to deal with the camera. I'll work on it this weekend, though.

So Advanced for His Age!!

2008-02-23T19:07:00.003-05:00

As of earlier this week, he's not only holding his head up - something he's been doing for several weeks, but he's now supporting himself with his arms, too! Kai turned 7 weeks old today...

Why Does Kai Look Like a Purple Gene Simmons?

2008-02-22T10:13:00.006-05:00

Warning: This is kind of a long post, but it has a happy ending. :)

A lot of folks have been asking if parenthood is what we expected, how we're doing, and what's been hardest. Before Kai was born, never in a million years would I have expected my answer to be breastfeeding, but there it is. In some ways, I'm hesitant to answer truthfully, and hesitant to write this post, because the thing is, for me, plodding through the challenges we've had in this area (more than most) has been and continues to be both worth it, and in fact, much easier (not to mention better for Kai) than the alternative (formula). I REALLY don't want to deter anyone from pursuing a breastfeeding relationship with their child. So please, if you haven't had kids yet, and are reading this, realize that many people have no problems with breastfeeding, and most of the folks who do are able to resolve their problems by the time their kid is about four weeks old.

Kai was born with a short frenulum, otherwise known as tongue tie, and a high palate. In other words, he couldn't stick his tongue out very far because the paper thin tissue connecting his tongue to his mouth was too short. And the roof of his mouth is much higher in the front than normal. Try sucking your thumb for a moment. If you pay attention to the way your mouth works, you'll notice that your tongue sort of cups your thumb and probably extends over your bottom teeth all the way to your lip or beyond it as you suck.

Kai's tongue couldn't reach so far, so he spent a lot of time gumming my nipple instead of sucking it. Result? Blistering, cracking, tiny bit of bleeding.

Fortunately for him, my milk supply is ridiculous. He barely has to work to get milk, so weight gain was never the issue it is for many babies with tongue tie. Unfortunately for me, babies spend nearly nine months practicing a suck and because his way got milk, he had no real incentive to change his method.

Fortunately for me, however, I knew that problems with breastfeeding should be brought to a lactation consultant (LC) as soon as they occur. We got Kai's frenulum clipped at our LC's recommendation and based on lots of Internet research. It's a very common procedure, though one that sounds much worse than it is. He barely noticed it happening (I still think he was more upset that we were holding his hands away from his face than he was about the experience). If the frenulum isn't clipped in cases of tongue tie, there can be other negative consequences for a kid, ranging from speech problems to difficulty with french kissing. We're lucky that the staff at our hospital noticed the tongue issue, as many labor and delivery folks are unaware of or unconcerned about the issue.

Sometimes frenulum clipping is all that is needed to get things back on track with nursing. Not for us. His latch was still quite painful for me. Working with our LC, we tried a variety of positions for nursing, tried letting him self-latch, and had lots of skin-to-skin time. All of these things worked initially, but briefly. We also tried something called a nipple shield, which is a small piece of silicone that suction fits over the nipple and helps the baby draw it out. Nipple shields can be dicey, because many babies get "addicted" to them and refuse to latch without the aid of one for many months, but they protect nipples from additional damage, so when nothing else is working, sometimes an LC will recommend one.

The shield worked beautifully for a day. Then Kai decided he hated it. He refused to nurse if I was wearing one (so much for fear he would get addicted to it). It was recommended that I break his latch and relatch him whenever the pain was a three or higher on a scale of one to five - this was probably the most miserable time for both Kai and myself, since his latch was pretty much always painful. The more I broke it, the more frustrated he got. It was a terrible cycle and one Saturday, he just refused to nurse at all. He slept and slept and wouldn't nurse. That was the only night so far he has slept six hours straight, and it was most definitely not something to celebrate.

I felt completely petrified, overwhelmed, and vulnerable about my role as the sole source of food and beverage for my child. I also felt trapped by the situation, was in a lot of pain and was at a loss for how to proceed. To give myself some space and a break, I pumped all day, and we introduced something called the Playtex Natural Latch bottle/nipple to Kai. It mimics the breast and requires babies to latch on well in order to get milk. Wow, does my kid HATE that bottle. It took hours to give him each bottle that day, and there was lots of screaming and crying.

And something surprised me. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY missed nursing him myself. So much that I determined I was going to just let him suck his own way for at least the rest of the day, and was definitely going to keep working on the latch. I didn't feel trapped, because I'd spent time that day researching the possibility of exclusively pumping (seriously, breastmilk is SO much better for babies than formula for so very many reasons), and felt that I had an "out" that I was comfortable with should I feel it was necessary.

And something magic happened. He latched on effortlessly, painlessly, joyfully. Over and over again that day. Whenever he finished he would fall asleep with a silly gummy grin on his face. THIS was how I had pictured breastfeeding and it was such a relief. So yes, he caught on at about four weeks old, and that particular bottle played a role in it.

For the next two weeks, things were great. I enjoyed the connection it provided and also the ease that it provided to our lives. Outings were suddenly no problem, I felt human again, and began to feel that this whole parenting thing was manageable. My nipples started to heal.

Then suddenly last Friday, there were a couple of nights that went poorly...his latch became occasionally shallower. My nipples started looking and feeling angry again. He still has difficulty taking the Playtex Natural Latch bottle, and pumping had inexplicably begun to hurt my breasts. Between the pain of pumping and his frustration at being bottle fed, the bottle didn't feel like much of a relief and the fall back of exclusive pumping that I once pictured no longer sounded any better than trying to feed him with raw nipples. (People sometimes say that if breastfeeding isn't going well, why not switch to formula - you can see here why that wouldn't make much of a positive difference - he HATES bottle feeding!)

Then this week, there was a new twist. In the past, my oversupply seems to have meant that no matter how he latched on, he got food. No longer. The shallow, tip of my nipples latch he was suddenly favoring was only getting him milk for the first few minutes of a feeding. And when I gave him my finger to suck (there are all sorts of tongue exercises LCs gave us to help him suck better), I realized that this was not his old latch, it was an entirely new problem. He wasn't actually sucking at all.

Wednesday, in the middle of the night, my son and I both had a massive breakdown. He kept trying to latch and relatch himself, frustrated by the lack of milk he was getting. I kept trying to help him, frustrated by the feeling that I was failing him even though I knew I was doing everything possible to make this work. Both of us just wailed together for a little while, until my husband woke up and sat with Kai, patiently trying to give him a bottle of expressed milk in the living room while I posted for advice on a favorite breastfeeding support bulletin board online.

To make matters worse, my lactation consultant was on vacation this week. So was the other LC I have used in the past when she has not been available.

My tale takes another turn for the better now, though. Again, I'm really lucky to plugged myself into a number of excellent breastfeeding support resources, including the LCs who've helped me, the La Leche League, the online breastfeeding forum at Ovusoft.com, Jack Newman's books about breastfeeding, and the weekly support group I've been going to.

Having heard that long labors like mine, tongue tie, high palate, and being born in a funny position like Kai was (head first then an arm) could lead to issues with breastfeeding that responded to craniosacral therapy and chiropractic adjustment, I had already scheduled an appointment with a chiropractor who specializes in work with pregnant and postpartum women and infants and was able to move the appointment up yesterday (Thursday) morning. Well, we're going again on Saturday - it wasn't necessarily supposed to make such an immediate difference, but ever since the appointment, he's been latching like a champ. I'm amazed. I also further explored a gut feeling I'd had a few days after Kai's birth that he might have thrush (a yeast infection in his mouth - common with both both formula and breastfed babies). I was GBS+ and had to receive antibiotics during delivery via IV, creating an increased likelihood of Kai getting thrush. Several days later, I noticed white spots on his tongue. Everyone said it was just milk residue so I stopped noticing it and assumed I was just being paranoid. After our meltdown the other night, though, I asked Bob for a damp paper towel and discovered that the "milk residue" doesn't wash off - a telltale sign of thrush. And then I put two and two together and realized that even when the latch feels good, there's this vague itchy burny feeling on my nipples that I've assumed was the feeling of milk ejecting. Also that things got worse for both my son and I after I stopped using the APNO (All-Purpose Nipple Ointment, it's miracle cream containing an anti-fungal, anti-biotic, and topical steroid that they give you if the skin gets broken on your nipple in order to prevent infection) I'd been prescribed when he was still gumming my nipples early on. And that his on again off again issues with my breasts during the last week might just be discomfort from thrush, not necessarily my forceful letdown, which he had previously seemed to get used to. Also, that pumping got uncomfortable after I stopped using APNO regularly. And it feels itchy, bruisy inside my breasts when I do it. All of these are classic symptoms of thrush. So now we're using gentian violent once a day (a topical treatment that paints his mouth purple - I keep thinking of Harold and the Purple Crayon when I look at him) plus got the pediatrician to write me an prescription for oral diflucan. It also turns out that Kai has the cold that is going around Boston right now. We also weighed him at the pediatrician's office yesterday, in large part for my sanity. Even with all the problems we've been having this past week, the kid managed to gain a pound and six ounces during those seven days (average weight gain is half an ounce to an ounce a day). So I relearned the lesson that I really should stop worrying about his weight gain when he has the occasional difficult morning or night.

I also talked to an LC who was not on vacation last night. She said that every time she'd seen a child who had the latch down for a couple of weeks "lose" it, thrush was responsible. This made me feel a bit more optimistic and slightly less vulnerable about all of this repeating.

But if it does...I'll keep working at it. I can't even begin to put into words the attachment, bonding, and closeness I feel with my son because of breastfeeding.

6 Weeks - Smiley Guy

2008-02-19T05:29:00.006-05:00

Out and About

2008-02-19T05:16:00.003-05:00

We're getting much more skilled at taking Kai out into the world. Kai and I made some new friends recently at breastfeeding and new mom's groups, and we've started going to mommy and me yoga every week. Bob and I managed to go out for lunch with him to celebrate Valentine's Day, and we take regular strolls in the winter weather outside. I even survived my first disastrous outing when I attempted to bring Kai to the Fogg Museum to meet up with my friends Sam and Deji for an afternoon...the day involved a freak whiteout blizzard during our walk to the T, several hours of nursing and bouncing in a corner of the museum with the new realization that here was a place that people would definitely not welcome his crying if it really started up, being kicked out into the cold upon closing and Bob picking us up after he finished work, only for us to discover that we had no idea how to fold the stroller up and put it into the car!!! We figured it out eventually.

I'm continually finding that the challenges that I expected (like lack of sleep) are less challenging than I expected (don't get me wrong, sometimes when he wakes up to nurse for the umpteenth time in an evening, I'm pretty darned exhausted), and the things I didn't think about are really challenging (um, no one told me I'd have repetitive stress injuries in my wrists and shoulders from nursing...sometimes the only thing he wants is to be nursed while I bounce on a bouncy ball...all well and good except I can't really use a nursing pillow under those circumstances...Bob's developing tennis elbow from holding Kai so much!).

Every day that passes, though, finds me falling even more in love with this child. His smiles are utterly captivating and he always manages to pull one out when I'm really, really tired or frustrated. He's a pretty sweet kid, that much is already clear. And you know, it's tough being a baby. The books all call this a time when babies get "organized"...hunger, digestion, and pretty much every single experience strikes them as new and needs to be processed and incorporated. It's pretty amazing, really.

2008-02-17T19:24:00.004-05:00

Kai with his godparents, Sam, Rena and Laurie (pictured with her fiance, Gabe). Well, actually, given Bob's atheism, we haven't quite figured out what to call them, but they're something like godparents.

Out in the world

2008-02-10T10:11:00.000-05:00

At the beginning of Kai's maiden voyage in his B.O.B. Revolution stroller. We've gone out with him in the sling many times, but for longer walks, until he can hold his head up and ride in the more back and shoulder friendly Ergo, we're psyched to have received this stroller as a gift from my mom. A window into the world of staying home with a newborn full-time on your own - it took me from a Monday through a Friday to actually install the adapter that allows us to put Kai's infant car seat on the stroller. It was a very simple installation, definitely nothing complicated. But then, I never used to find taking a shower complicated either!

Preppy Bear...

2008-02-10T10:05:00.003-05:00

Okay. We just think he's adorable in this outfit. Don't you agree?

Sleepy Bear...

2008-02-10T10:01:00.000-05:00

Sleepy mom also...

Gummy Grin...

2008-02-10T09:57:00.001-05:00

Kai started smiling occasionally last week, and this weekend, he's been getting even grinnier...this pic is actually one of his sleep smiles, but it looks pretty much the same as his waking ones...

Our Little Thinker

2008-01-29T10:15:00.001-05:00

He poses like this less and less now, but for the first week or two, this was Kai's favorite position. Based on his unusual presentation at birth (head first, then an arm that shot straight out before his shoulders) and the tickly sensations I always had next to where his head was though to be when I was carrying him, we suspect that this is how he spent his last weeks or months in the womb...He's such a little old man sometimes...

Baby's First Bath at Home

2008-01-29T10:01:00.000-05:00

Kai doesn't seem to mind getting a sponge bath too much...though he does get a bit bewildered when we rinse his head off by pouring water over it! Here he is after his first bath, all wrapped up and very alert...

My Guys...

2008-01-22T19:51:00.001-05:00

First Weeks....Our Sleepy Little Bear

2008-01-21T19:55:00.000-05:00

This is Bob's favorite of all Kai's little outfits...

Kai, in his fleece sling...more of a pouch really...this is what I see when I'm wearing him and peek into the sling to mke sure he's still breathing!

Kai goes by many names in our household...Kai-Bear, Alert Bear, Littlest Bear, Fussy Bear...and Burrito Bear, because of the way he looks when we put him in the swaddle me wrap (he always breaks his hands free):

And here, well, here he's just adorable (my unbiased opinion, of course)...

Kai's Birth...

2008-01-17T10:56:00.001-05:00

Arriving at Mt. Auburn during the nighttime hours (on Thursday, January 3, 32 hours before Kai was actually born!) afforded us the wonderful experience of waking in the morning to this gorgeous sunrise outside our labor and delivery room:

I'm so glad that I was able to arrange for the support that I would need to go through Kai's birth pain medication free - Bob was steadfast throughout and such an important touchstone for me, which helped me stay much calmer and more centered in my hypnobirthing breathing than I might otherwise have been. At my doula, Gina's, recommendation, I locked eyes with him during the transition phase and pretty much entered a trance like state that had him thinking this was a peaceful phase of labor for me. Nice trick, I think, as it was definitely the most challenging hour or so of my life. I really thought the pushing would be the scary, hard part, but for me, the scary, hard part was really transition (transition is the last few centimeters of dilation, as your body gets ready to start pushing - I'm told that pitocin (synthetic oxytocin, used to encourage a woman's body to get into a regular and stronger contraction pattern) makes the contractions and labor much more intense - since I was still only 2cm after being at the hospital for almost 24 hours, we decided it was a good tool for me. I have no idea whether the labor was more challenging as a result, since I have no basis for comparison! Either way, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself, my preparation and my stamina...

People keep asking about the whole 32 hours thing...it really wasn't so bad. First, because not all of that was active labor...my water broke on Thursday night but my contractions weren't really regular or intense until Friday afternoon...and then Kai was born at 5:19am on Saturday morning. My experience of labor was that it was extremely intense, the hardest and most with during transition...Bob's presence, Gina's presence, and the support of our unusual OB Beth Hardiman (she delivers virtually all over her patients, truly got to know us, and really loves and has patience with natural childbirth and laboring moms) made me feel so loved and safe, so that in the moments when I felt terrified or overwhelmed, I could say so, experience it, and let it pass. There's a well-known midwife who says that a woman meets herself during her labor. What struck me most in this regard was my ability to surround myself with th love and support I need in my life...

It's true what they say, that you go somewhere else during labor...time distorts itself and the experience is the most physical I imagine I will ever have.

I'm happy to have had what I needed to give Kai a peaceful birth...he was born incredibly alert with his eyes wide open and checking out the world.

Yup, the Belly Was Kai-Sized!

2008-01-17T10:52:00.000-05:00

Thanks to our Rachel Distler for taking these beautiful pics a week before Kai was born!

A Walk in the Fells

2007-12-16T14:45:00.001-05:00

Bob and I were very proud of ourselves for taking a walk in the fells a few weeks back. It's so close, but we so rarely think of heading over...Definitely always worth it, though! My belly's making the vest extra puffy! :)

Thank you!!!

2007-11-06T20:53:00.000-05:00

Our friend Laurie threw us a wonderful baby shower this past weekend, filling our house with friends, family, and lots of new baby gear! Folks also made some very cute onesies for Kai...

We were pscyhed that we had a chance to get Kai's room set up ahead of time for everyone to see:
Actually, a lot of what you see in this photo came from the shower (like the balloon in the upper left corner, the stroller and diaper bags, many of the toys on the changing table and books on the shelves). I laid the quilt out on the floor that Bob's mom needlepointed - it's pretty much adorable. Both grandmas-to-be made contributed a number of beautiful handmade items to Kai's collection...A favorite gift was from Bob's sister: the Ewok that was among his own childhood favorites (it turns out that Bob was incredibly fastidious when it came to caring for his things even as a small child!):

Um, Time Warp?

2007-10-12T12:48:00.000-04:00

In 2000, I was constantly peeved at progressives. Back then, the mantra was that democrats and republicans were the same, there was no appreciable difference between Al Gore and George Bush.

Now, everyone loves Al Gore.

And I keep hearing people say there's not much difference between Hillary Clinton and Republicans.

Um. Earth to everyone. Yes there is. And it's pretty darned substantial. And she's the only democrat in the field who is consistently polling as beating all of the republicans in a general. Can we stop convincing ourselves that she's either the same as a republican or unelectable? Actually, the thing that I suspect leads people to think she might be kind of like a republican are many of the things about her that also, frankly, make her electable. But whatever. Progressives, unfortunately my tribe, having been making me mad for years. By and large, it doesn't seem to me that we're a very pragmatic or realistic bunch.

It's official!

2007-10-10T12:12:00.003-04:00

I'm starting a new job on October 30 at Simmons College and I couldn't be more ecstatic! Woohoo!

Small Victories

2007-10-06T09:17:00.000-04:00

"A Harvard student who plans to take her medical licensing test next week can have 60 minutes of extra break time to pump breast milk for her infant daughter, a Massachusetts appeals court said."

You know, until I was pregnant myself, I really didn't understand just how much changes in terms of how you're perceived, what assumptions even the most well-meaning of employers might make, and what you're going to need once the baby is born in order to breastfeed for anywhere near what modern science recommends for the baby's health.

I can't even begin to understand why this case had to be brought to court, and why the medical examiners couldn't just give her the time she needed to pump.

26 Weeks...

2007-10-02T19:46:00.001-04:00

So, um, I think I look pregnant now.

I Survived...

2007-09-26T23:00:00.000-04:00

But I'm not sure I gained anything of value from the last two hours. At least not from the debate. On Facebook, in the Fluff Friends application, I won some munny betting on races between the pets of my friends and me. But munny doesn't have much value in the real world either.

Greenspan

2007-09-26T22:35:00.000-04:00

Apparently says in his new book that we should raise taxes on gasoline by $3.00 a gallon over the next few years. As much as it pains my budget to say this, I wholeheartedly agree. I'd been thinking about buying his book. Now I really want to read it.

30 Seconds or Less

2007-09-26T22:32:00.000-04:00

It's the "lightening round" now. The candidates have 30 seconds or less to answer questions. Because before, you know, they had so much time to share substantive information.

I'm so tired of watching this...

2007-09-26T22:24:00.000-04:00

It's just not informative.

Mike Gravel, Health Care, Candidates Getting a Few Digs...

2007-09-26T21:36:00.001-04:00

Is sweet. He's ashamed that America is building a fence along our border and says that's not the America he fought for. Maybe I'll vote for him out of affection.

But really, I'm most likely voting for Hillary. A lot of people I respect really disagree when I translate things into practical terms about how things actually get done in Washington, how policy moves forward and gets enacted, how compromise typically has to occur, how the most effective president is one who is committed to a set of values but also understands that they won't be successful unless they work with the people across the aisle. I know it's every progressive's fantasy to have a president who inspires them with their own progressiveness. But I really think such a person would fail to actually enact much of their agenda...I want someone effective.

Dude. Biden was just smart. He complimented HC on her hard work on universal health care and talked about how it's not her fault, she's fantastic, that because she's been fighting special interests for so long and has been a lightening rod for the right that it would be far harder for her to pass universal health care than it would be for others. He stressed that it wasn't his fault.

'Kay. Chattin' about health care now. Edwards is actually trying to say that he is not a Washington insider. And Tim Russert just called him on the fact that four years ago he said we couldn't afford universal health care and it would be a bad idea to do it. Edwards is bugging me right now.

Hee hee. BO just complimented HC and Edwards for their work on health care, and then dug at them both, saying 'I know John wants credit for issuing a plan first. Harry Truman had a plan years ago." Then he told Hillary that health care failed for her because the American people did not feel welcome into the conversation. Sorry, but that's bull and anyone who followed what happened at the time knows it.

Oh. Mike Gravel just said that when he went bankrupt earlier in life, he stuck the credit card companies with $90,000 of bills that they deserved. It was kind of funny. Kucinich is now being asked about how he managed to bankrupt Cleveland.

More on Why I Hate These Debates

2007-09-26T21:31:00.000-04:00

Bill Richardson actually begins to get into an interesting conversation about Middle East peace process (or lack thereof), and the current lack of communication with countries with which we used to keep channels open (like Syria and Lebanon).

Now a question about whether cities that have declared themselves as Safe Havens for undocumented immigrants would be allowed to ignore immigration enforcement laws. The questions are not designed to result in the delivery of information to the American public. The questions are designed to create drama, conflict, and controversy. And frankly, for the most part, most of the candidates are resisting delivering it. Which I respect.

NICE. "Rudy Guiliani doesn't know what the heck he's talking about. He's the most uninformed person about foreign policy..." Biden.

Bill RIchardson

2007-09-26T21:29:00.001-04:00

"I've talked to these bad guys before."

And thus, I am at an advantage to talk to them again now.

He does have actual diplomatic experience unlike the other candidates. He'd be a decent Sec. of State.

Iran

2007-09-26T21:22:00.000-04:00

Aaargh.

Tim Russert: Will you make a promise not to allow Iran to become a nuclear power?

Why does everything have to framed like this kind of question. It follows him trying to get people to say whether Israel would be justified in attacking Iran if they felt their security were threatened. So far HC and BO are refusing to answer that directly, trying to actually deal with it as the complex and hypothetical question that it is. That there are many, many, many steps to take before we talk about attacking Iran.

Russert: So you won't make a promise like Rudy Guiliani did.

HC or BO: Dude. Why are you so dumb.

Okay. That's not how the conversation went, but that's how they should have responded to him.

Edwards says the key with Iran is to "stick some carrots." Oh!! Now he's back to the conversation that Tim Russert said was over. Apparently the basic issue was whether to call the Iranian Guard a terrorist organization. This, apparently, is being equated with giving George Bush the right to attack Iran.

Tim Russert & Mike Gravel

2007-09-26T21:13:00.000-04:00

Keeps asking the candidates if they can pledge to have all troops out of Iraq by a particular date. Again with the sound biteism.

Mike Gravel is saying the forty consecutive days of voting in Congress would result in an end to the war in Iraq. He says if the votes aren't there, the senators should grap their colleagues by the neck and get the votes.

I'm going to need to investigate what Iran related resolution the Senate voted on today. Mike Gravel congratulated Biden and Dodd for voting against it, said he was ashamed of Hillary (who voted for it) and Obama (who wasn't even there to vote).

Biden just tried to start clarifying what the vote was actually about (apparently Gravel didn't correctly explain - though I didn't understand his explanation to begin with), and Tim Russert interrupted to say the discussion was over. Yes. Let's not actually explain anything.